tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize