I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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