omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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