It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
