So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
