If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
