We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
