sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
