Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
