That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
