this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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