I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
