I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
