Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize