I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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