so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
