Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
And then my night got REAL pukey
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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