The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
