maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize