I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
