I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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