The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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