I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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