I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize