I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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