My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
