Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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