could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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