??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize