This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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