Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
