Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
