Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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