I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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