He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
