I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
