you have to choose: penises or morals?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
