Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
