Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
