Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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