I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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