So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
