genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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