I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize