I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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