i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
