I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
