How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
