Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
