my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i barfeds in our rink
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
