You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
