I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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