one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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