I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
