Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
