There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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