My nipple is on Facebook.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
