the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
