Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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