Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
