I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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