TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
