maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
